this semester has been mostly driving weekends and papers and not enough sleep or meaningful human contact.

and summer. summer is here and i. don't. know. what. to. do.

cause there's the what i want...to have a place and work and sit around and cook and read and watch movies. with pretty dishes and a garden and bright colors.

and then there's what's happening. oh, so, i'm going to florida for a week, and for only $75, which excites me. and i just got news that i'm fully scholarshipped for a big thing in july. but i don't quite know all the details of the big thing, or where. and also i'm scared. but if i do (which i must, if they're giving me money, eh?) then what to do for june. i can live at home for may, but then they're moving to alabama. so i can move and what? not work for a month and have dad pay my insurance and cell phone? that would work, but it's not the most appealing choice ever.

paragraphs. must make paragraphs.

or i could find a place here where i already have a job that'll let me take july off. but then i'd have to pay rent on a place for a month while i'm not there.

and additionally, there are no cheap places to live by yourself. and i don't know anyone that wants a roommate. and i'm scared of potluck roommates.

and of course, my own place would lead to the sex thing, which is a bad thing, which is a good thing, which is a why did i dream about breaking up with him last night?

even though school's nearly over, i still have 3 exams and petitions to get signed and a room to reserve and people to call...oh, lots of people to call, and lesson plans to create and mail out. and it's scary because i'm afraid i'll be busy all through june and gone july and then there's school again.

maybe i'm not depressed, maybe i just don't handle stress well. i sure don't have a problem volunteering myself for stuff, though.

lists, need more lists.

is it me or is it us? is it stress or is it depression? is it possible? but is it a good idea?

mostly, how the hell does all my money get spent without my knowledge? and why do glasses lenses (not frames, just the lenses!) cost $80?? yeesh.

and is it lenses? why not just lens? len? lenny!

too late. i played volleyball on sunday. after watching x-men, which was rally good. i suck at the volleyball.

i miss errol a lot right at this particular moment. no relation to the volleyball comment, i don't think.

i miss a lot of things, though.

fucking crappy microwavable blueberry pancakes that my grandma used to buy.

making squash with ashley.

not being sad.

oh! ha ha. christ. my moods are as erratic as mexican jumping beans.

i don't like emails that start off with, "see, the thing is this."

i...really. really. i've been depressed before. you know, sad and apathetic and worthless feeling. but never this often, i don't think. and never for seemingly no reason. or maybe i've just never realized it? or maybe i'm just stressed out and delusional now?

it's been a rough semester, but also a very productive one, which is good. i've done things that were good things. i've met new people.

this is a really long, venty entry. sometimes i forget i'm talking to people besides myself.

either my eyes are infected with some sort of mutant goo or my allergies are being really mean. either way, i want to gouge my eyes out. did i spell that right? for an english major, i do suck at the spelling.